transitioning... you know its the end of the year

I know i really suck at updating this thing, and i know i've said this several times before but i am REALLY going to try and keep up with this thing... and i know its sad, but i feel its easier to write about things when i'm depressed, deep in thought, or moved by something.  i will try to write about whats going on in my life regardless because i like to, and because i read that its a good way for friends who live far away to stay tuned in to your life, especially when you can't talk every day.

anyways, with that said..  what a freakin year 2011 has been.

brought in the new year with two of my favorite people; noah and mallori.

a night involving (if i remember correctly), kanye's new album and sleigh bells - rill rill, shots of whiskey and lots of pbr. got my first full time job at what my coworkers and i lovingly call it "shmirabella".

i moved out into my very first apartment!

experienced portland in all its glory this summer.

noah went on his bike trip...

i got to see the mountain goats! - a band for those of you who are wondering.

my long awaited birthday finally arrived, the big 2-1.

we adopted a dog who fancies himself a cat and named him albert!

mine and noah's one year.

lots of tears and laughs and hurting and happiness.

i am finally starting to apply for schools and head into a better direction.

i would say this has been a successful year.

well.. i feel like i had something deep and profound to say as i began to write this blog, but i guess i don't. my brain has taken me elsewhere. 

until next time.. 

dream, dreamin, dreams

if  i close my eyes i'm laying down in my twin sized bed laying on top of my anthroplogie comforter.
if i close my eyes i can see my sisters in their bunk bed, chelsea putting her ear plugs in.
i can smell our peach scented yankeedoodle candle burning, flickering, dancing and filling our room with that wonderful, comforting smell.
the swan princess is playing and i am thinking about opening the gelato shop in the morning.
if i close my eyes i can see my first car. that purple car with radiohead stickers all over.
i can see springdale and i pass Marina high school as i head down springdale and make a left on to warner.
i can start to smell the beach. that salty, fishy, wet air that fills your nostrils and hypnotizes you.
if i close my eyes i look out the window and see all of you standing in front of catwalk.
riding your skateboards, laughing at your baby brother and making faces at me while i try to work.
if i close my eyes i can see the green bench sitting in front of The Closet and i can hear our conversation.
i can smell Wahoos and i can feel the warm sidewalk as i walk bare-footed to the pier.
i am sitting under the pier.
my butt is damp from the moist sand that hides under the overhang.
the ocean greets me as it gently touches my toes.
i run into its open arms and dive into the waves.
i can feel myself go up and down and up and down with the tide.
i never want to leave this place.
if i close my eyes i can feel the tops of my cheeks, sore, sunburned.
i get out and lay on my towel and start to drift away to the sound of the breaking waves.
the smell of salt and the sound of seagulls flying above me.
i fall asleep and wake up to my little dog, albert and my chilly apartment.
my heart hurts.
i miss the ocean.

heavy

just because i'm obsessed and i am going to be her for halloween this year aaand i have nothing to write about... still. but i wanted to post something, soo here it goes.

surveys are fun!

thanks lexi!



A. Age: 20
B. Bed size: A Queen :)
C. Chore that you hate: dishes
D. Dogs: Albert
E. Essential start to your day: black tea with half n half and honey pls
F. Favorite color: depends
G. Gold or Silver: SILVER!
H. Height: 5'8
I. Instruments you play:  used to play drums, taught myself some guitar, but i mostly just sing :)
J. Job title: Wife & Mother
K. Kids: none
L. Live: Portland, Oregon
M. Mother’s name: Lisa
N. Nicknames: han, hanners, banana, hannah bear
O. Overnight hospital stays: one? or two? i can't remember.
P. Pet peeves: being ignored, or cracking fingers/necks/backs
Q. Quote from a movie: hummmm... for lack of anything better i like the quote from factory girl when she is talking to bob dylan; "the party doesnt start until i arrive!"
R. Right or left handed: both
S. Siblings: 4 shea trent chels and shelp
U. Underwear: hmm optional haha
V. Vegetable you hate: Mushrooms yuck!
W. What makes you run late: hitting the snooze
X. X-Rays you’ve had: nose, back, leg, arm, head
Y. Yummy food that you make: everyhthing, duh
Z. Zoo animal: elephants!

seasons greetings

so, i know i haven't written in a while -- its been quite a busy month!  lots of things going on.
of course, all day at work today i was feeling inspired to write and now that i am home at a computer
my mind is at a blank. gotta love that. but anywho, i thought i would still write and try and fill all of you (many maaany readers, i'm sure ;) )in on whats been going on and what i've been processing in my head.

summer is almost completely, officially over.  and i have mixed feelings about this.  however, it has been quite stifling lately, and i don't really find summer clothes to be very cute.  i am excited about wearing colorful scarves, with plain black clothing, or throwing a simple bold color beanie (beret) of some sort to liven up my outfit, and if i'm really feeling wild, maybe put on some lipstick and make my cateyes extra bold and thick, like amy winehouse. 
   I think whats most strange to me about entering the fall season is i really feel like i was just here a couple months ago... like thanksgiving was only a distant memory, that i just turned 20 and i just met noah.  but no, that was a year ago.. and winter is right around the corner - again.  The holidays make me so nostalgic.  its like a constant fucking reminder that i'm on my own, and i don't have my family with me.  that i am (sadly) an adult and i live in my own apartment and this year, like last year, i have to fend for myself for the holiday season.  most likely attend another family's gathering and all the while, in my head i'm thinking of my family.  when i see the parents scuffling around preparing food, excited for their grown children to return home for the holiday, i cant help but think of my parents.  Parents of 5 children, with only two to enjoy the smiles and laughs and the smell of food in the air.  only two of their kids to be annoyed at my mother's notorious late dinners and only two children to sit around the table and share why they are thankful for each other.  it breaks my heart.  i often daydream about what it would be like if my parents lived here in portland.  maybe one day we will see.
   september also reminds me of past friends.  how excited we would be for all the "haunt" mazes and to scheme a way to get each of our crushes to go with us to these scary events!  for all of the holiday drinks at starbucks, and ditching class and smoking cigarettes while we wore our peacoats and scarves.  oh, how things change even if you try your hardest to prevent it. 
   this fall i will be working full time.  i will try my hardest to go to the haunted corn maze this year and this fall i am finally turning the wonderful 2-1.  i will laugh and spend time with my friends in portland.  last but not least, i can not wait to see the changing color of the leaves.  to hear the crackle of the leaves break as i lift up my foot to take another step forward.  to continue on in the journey of my life. to make the most of it, to live and be happy.  i am excited for fall :)

i wanna stay like this forever

growing up is hard.  anyone who tells you otherwise is lying.
if i had the choice, i would be a little kid forever. maybe.
its weird to even think that i was a little kid at one point. it almost
seems as if i woke up and was 20 years old. sometimes it seems the only
way for me to know that i was at one point in my life a little four year old with crooked "orphan bangs"
and a round rosy face is looking at pictures. its such a distant memory. almost like a dream.
the kind when you can only remember bits and pieces and nothing makes sense when you
try to recall it to a friend.  but you know it makes sense.
        while i was working today i decided to listen to Taylor Swift. as my iphone was shuffling
her songs a song came on that i had never heard of.  pretty soon into the song i found that i was
getting all choked up and teary eyed. which was odd to me, because i wasn't really listening to the
song, but this hazy dream-like memory of myself as a four year old with my dad was playing in my mind.
   
i remember it was around christmas time and i was looking at an american girls catalog picking out what doll i wanted santa to bring me that year.  as i jumped up on my dad's lap to show him my dream and hope for that coming magical morning he looked at me and said, "hannah, will you promise me something?" and me, being the daddy's girl that i am, shook my head earnestly waiting to promise him what it was that he was about to ask, and he said, "don't ever grow up! i want you to stay little forever!"
and i said ok, willingly.  he then said, "and you never ever have to move out of the house, ok? you can live with me and mommy forever." with my mom shaking her head and in the background saying, "shawn! don't tell her that!" he then looked at me and said, "one last thing... promise me you will never get married!" and of course i responded, "i want to marry you dad!" with a smile on my dad's face he just hugged me and we sat there until i woke up to the dark in my room tucked in bed.
      i miss being that little. so naive, so innocent. everything was such an adventure, so exciting so hilarious.
i wonder if i had any idea that one day i wouldn't be able to sit on my dads "soldiers" anymore.  wonder if i knew that when i got into junior high that i would never want to be home, never want to see my parents.  wonder if i knew that one day i would only see them maybe 5 or 6 times a year. oh to be a child again, what i would do.. to not wish it all away so quickly.

diapers to big diapers

age is such a hard concept to grasp. at least for me. i'm not talking about understanding the concept 

of years and tracking how long we have spent on this place called earth. i'm talking about aging.

possessing beauty and white teeth. or just having teeth in general.  to bear a semi-normal nose and a oval face shape. i'm talking about having breasts that don't look like stretch armstrong's arms after you have pulled them at arms length.  i just can not seem to wrap my brain around the idea of being trapped inside this old withered shell that used to look like a human body.

lastly, and most importantly, i'm talking about losing your mind in the most literal sense.

to wake up in the morning and get your cup of coffee. to wake up and take a shower and watch the news or read the paper. to wake up one morning, no different than the day before and not remember your routine. forgetting where to get your coffee.  or even worse, forgetting that you get coffee and read the paper and take a shower.  to feel lost again.  to feel scared again.  to be a child again.

  i work at a fancy retirement home right on the southwest waterfront of beautiful portland, oregon.

when i first started working there, i was constantly asked by my fellow coworkers "can you tell me any of the residents names yet?".  having a dumbfounded look that i feel was constantly on my face, especially when asked this seemingly stupid question at the time... i thought, are you serious? is this a trick question? they all look the same.

short.

short permed hair.

"grandma sweaters"

old stale perfume.

hunched over.

walkers.

and lipstick that somehow would always so easily stain my face with lip prints but was impossible to rub off.

i think back to 6 months ago and wonder if i had any idea of what i was getting myself into.

the amazing people i would soon grow and build relationships with.

i have at least 10 different portland grandmas and grandpas that hug me and kiss me and

tell me how pretty i am.  that always say "oh hannah, you are such a good girl".

who love me. and i love them.

and then, the hard part. 

realizing they are at the end of their days. that their days are literally numbered and i have to watch

them decline. i have to say bye to each and every one of them.  i don't know that i emotionally can

handle this.

today, i saw one of my favorite residents.  one of the most warm, kind and sweetest souls there.  (for privacy reasons, i'll call her cathy.) 

Cathy was just recently moved to the assisted living floors, as she has dementia and it has seemingly overnight got horribly worse.

As i walked down her hall to take care of one of the rooms on her floor i notice miss Cathy standing outside her door looking very scared and very lost. 

she asked if i would just come and be in her apartment because she was scared. she told me she was going to call a taxi and go home. that she really wanted to go home.

something about what she had said left a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. 

i asked her where home was while she was fiddling with her purse and she got sidetracked.

i stayed with her as long as i could, then brought her cna to keep her company and told her i had to go back to work.

i said, "bye Cathy! i love seeing you. i will see you soon."

- "oh goodbye honey! i hope to see you soon."

and i hope to see her too.

 

happier

blah.

that is how i have been feeling lately. and i am sad and ashamed to write that i have

not completed one thing off of my list that my heart and soul keep wanting me to do.

of course a few of those things require money, and that is something i no longer know or

understand the concept of any more.  

in short, i am broke.  and i think will be broke. at least - for a while now.  i wanted to lie and tell you of all these wonderful things that i have been creating and accomplishing but that was something i may have (most likely) done in high school on my livejournal (rip).  

i also wish i could tell you how wonderful and peachy and happy i am lately but i also find that i can not type out those words.  because i am not.  

if i am being honest with myself, i feel that i am gipping (sp?) myself of everything that i am capable of and of everything that makes me, me.  i don't mean for this blog entry to be projectile vomit in the means of typing words and splattering it on the internet for everyone to see, but i guess the truth is that i am, in fact,  sad lately and thus, my blog entry tonight.  writing does make me happy though, so i guess i am doing some sort of productive thing that makes me hannah.

its almost 9pm, my bedtime.  ive turned into an old lady.

i wish that i could be a lost boy. 

i wish that peter pan and tinkerbelle would fly through my apartment window

and sprinkle pixie dust on me and i would float away.

over the moon, and through the stars.

away from working, and paying bills, and growing, and hurting, and aging.

i wish i could be a kid forever.

care free forever.

happy, forever.

prayer flags

my eyes are heavy and burning.
i've been back in portland now for 5 hours and i am trying
to not let myself fall asleep.  in doing so, i have been staring at our
prayer flags hanging over our sliding glass doors, daydreaming.
thinking, feeling,  being convicted and feeling passionate again.
i want to start doing things that make me feel alive.
having said this, i thought i would write out a list and am hoping
to write about these in the upcoming and hopefully very close future:

1. singing and making music
2. painting
3. creating things
4. giving
5. laughing
6. wine
7. hugging
8. exploring
9. get lost and be okay with it
10. get involved in some sort of music organization

* little side note: while i was in california, i stopped by an old job of mine, the ever so wonderful Color Me Mine.  i love this store for many reasons.  i love the smell of ceramic and dried paint that greets you as soon as you walk in the door.  i love that this store welcomes a very diverse group of people in.  toddlers painting fairies, obnoxious young boys flapping their lips as they paint their race cars, teenage couples sharing a paint brush as one helps the other finish the barely legible "i love you" and the crazy (when i say crazy i mean crazy as in way too talented, its crazy) artists as they get lost and do not realize or seem to care that paint is all over their face and arms and hands. i think there should be more places like Color Me Mine.  anyways,  anyone who follows me on twitter knows that i've been itching to get back to painting and being creative again and they would also know i miss my boyfriend Noah like crazy.  with that combination, i thought it was a good excuse to put my energies into painting him a beer stein! its not comparable to Leonardo da Vinci by any means, but i was very pleased and enjoyed how i felt while creating it and how i felt afterwards.  i dont know if i can connect this blog to my phone yet, so until i figure that out i will post pictures later.

hannah

Home

I am sitting in my new apartment in my new home.
I am staring outside at the tall green trees.
I can hear the birds singing, talking, whispering.
My neighbors are outside smoking and laughing and talking.
They try to hang out with me but lately i've been anti social.

Its very strange, i've wanted friends for a long time.
Friends that would call and wanted to spend time with me.
Even if that meant just sitting on the couch or smoking cigarettes.
Now that i do, i find myself hiding away, staying inside.
grabbing my stomach.

Portland has been my new home for 9 months now and i dont know how to feel about it.
Its the only place i've lived for a substantial amount of time other than California.

California. I will touch my feet on your warm, welcoming ground tomorrow.
 I am going home.  I am visiting home.
To see the palm trees, to feel the sand, to run from the waves, to hug my friends.
To laugh, and drink.  To eat and eat and eat.
i am scared to go back.
i am scared to say goodbye again.