diapers to big diapers

age is such a hard concept to grasp. at least for me. i'm not talking about understanding the concept 

of years and tracking how long we have spent on this place called earth. i'm talking about aging.

possessing beauty and white teeth. or just having teeth in general.  to bear a semi-normal nose and a oval face shape. i'm talking about having breasts that don't look like stretch armstrong's arms after you have pulled them at arms length.  i just can not seem to wrap my brain around the idea of being trapped inside this old withered shell that used to look like a human body.

lastly, and most importantly, i'm talking about losing your mind in the most literal sense.

to wake up in the morning and get your cup of coffee. to wake up and take a shower and watch the news or read the paper. to wake up one morning, no different than the day before and not remember your routine. forgetting where to get your coffee.  or even worse, forgetting that you get coffee and read the paper and take a shower.  to feel lost again.  to feel scared again.  to be a child again.

  i work at a fancy retirement home right on the southwest waterfront of beautiful portland, oregon.

when i first started working there, i was constantly asked by my fellow coworkers "can you tell me any of the residents names yet?".  having a dumbfounded look that i feel was constantly on my face, especially when asked this seemingly stupid question at the time... i thought, are you serious? is this a trick question? they all look the same.

short.

short permed hair.

"grandma sweaters"

old stale perfume.

hunched over.

walkers.

and lipstick that somehow would always so easily stain my face with lip prints but was impossible to rub off.

i think back to 6 months ago and wonder if i had any idea of what i was getting myself into.

the amazing people i would soon grow and build relationships with.

i have at least 10 different portland grandmas and grandpas that hug me and kiss me and

tell me how pretty i am.  that always say "oh hannah, you are such a good girl".

who love me. and i love them.

and then, the hard part. 

realizing they are at the end of their days. that their days are literally numbered and i have to watch

them decline. i have to say bye to each and every one of them.  i don't know that i emotionally can

handle this.

today, i saw one of my favorite residents.  one of the most warm, kind and sweetest souls there.  (for privacy reasons, i'll call her cathy.) 

Cathy was just recently moved to the assisted living floors, as she has dementia and it has seemingly overnight got horribly worse.

As i walked down her hall to take care of one of the rooms on her floor i notice miss Cathy standing outside her door looking very scared and very lost. 

she asked if i would just come and be in her apartment because she was scared. she told me she was going to call a taxi and go home. that she really wanted to go home.

something about what she had said left a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. 

i asked her where home was while she was fiddling with her purse and she got sidetracked.

i stayed with her as long as i could, then brought her cna to keep her company and told her i had to go back to work.

i said, "bye Cathy! i love seeing you. i will see you soon."

- "oh goodbye honey! i hope to see you soon."

and i hope to see her too.

 

happier

blah.

that is how i have been feeling lately. and i am sad and ashamed to write that i have

not completed one thing off of my list that my heart and soul keep wanting me to do.

of course a few of those things require money, and that is something i no longer know or

understand the concept of any more.  

in short, i am broke.  and i think will be broke. at least - for a while now.  i wanted to lie and tell you of all these wonderful things that i have been creating and accomplishing but that was something i may have (most likely) done in high school on my livejournal (rip).  

i also wish i could tell you how wonderful and peachy and happy i am lately but i also find that i can not type out those words.  because i am not.  

if i am being honest with myself, i feel that i am gipping (sp?) myself of everything that i am capable of and of everything that makes me, me.  i don't mean for this blog entry to be projectile vomit in the means of typing words and splattering it on the internet for everyone to see, but i guess the truth is that i am, in fact,  sad lately and thus, my blog entry tonight.  writing does make me happy though, so i guess i am doing some sort of productive thing that makes me hannah.

its almost 9pm, my bedtime.  ive turned into an old lady.

i wish that i could be a lost boy. 

i wish that peter pan and tinkerbelle would fly through my apartment window

and sprinkle pixie dust on me and i would float away.

over the moon, and through the stars.

away from working, and paying bills, and growing, and hurting, and aging.

i wish i could be a kid forever.

care free forever.

happy, forever.

prayer flags

my eyes are heavy and burning.
i've been back in portland now for 5 hours and i am trying
to not let myself fall asleep.  in doing so, i have been staring at our
prayer flags hanging over our sliding glass doors, daydreaming.
thinking, feeling,  being convicted and feeling passionate again.
i want to start doing things that make me feel alive.
having said this, i thought i would write out a list and am hoping
to write about these in the upcoming and hopefully very close future:

1. singing and making music
2. painting
3. creating things
4. giving
5. laughing
6. wine
7. hugging
8. exploring
9. get lost and be okay with it
10. get involved in some sort of music organization

* little side note: while i was in california, i stopped by an old job of mine, the ever so wonderful Color Me Mine.  i love this store for many reasons.  i love the smell of ceramic and dried paint that greets you as soon as you walk in the door.  i love that this store welcomes a very diverse group of people in.  toddlers painting fairies, obnoxious young boys flapping their lips as they paint their race cars, teenage couples sharing a paint brush as one helps the other finish the barely legible "i love you" and the crazy (when i say crazy i mean crazy as in way too talented, its crazy) artists as they get lost and do not realize or seem to care that paint is all over their face and arms and hands. i think there should be more places like Color Me Mine.  anyways,  anyone who follows me on twitter knows that i've been itching to get back to painting and being creative again and they would also know i miss my boyfriend Noah like crazy.  with that combination, i thought it was a good excuse to put my energies into painting him a beer stein! its not comparable to Leonardo da Vinci by any means, but i was very pleased and enjoyed how i felt while creating it and how i felt afterwards.  i dont know if i can connect this blog to my phone yet, so until i figure that out i will post pictures later.

hannah