Saturday, August 18, 2012


sometimes i wonder if i made the right decision.
did i leave california because i wanted to leave or because
something or someone drove me to leave..

maybe i wanted a fresh start, which is fine. i suppose everyone
has either wanted that, or left something for that reason at one point
in their lives.  but sometimes i wonder why my heart aches for california.

is it the memories? maybe my friends?  is it the ocean, like i say
it is.  the warm sand on the beach and the sun reflecting off the
waves in the water.  the comforting crash of waves that seems to
happen every minute or so.  i'm not sure.

maybe the feeling of connection. connection to people of
california and a connection to "nature" in california.  i
guess i don't feel as connected to oregon the way i was
sort of bonded to california.  but, i was born and raised there.

i am starting to feel that bond to oregon.  the way my heart stops
when i'm riding over the morrison bridge into downtown and
i look over the willamette river.  watching the sun reflect off the
ripples in the river.  the beautiful lush green surrounding me.  my
heart sort of stops.  its beautiful.  but i can't help but long for

i think i just miss having a group of friends that i have known my
whole life. no secrets. no getting to know each other.  just hanging
out and spending time laughing, or crying, or sitting in silence.  but
being so connected that there didn't always have to be words.  we just
knew.  i think my heart longs for that.

sometimes i feel as though i have died to everyone in california.
like i am now just a memory.  forgotten until my name is brought up,
or a radiohead/sigur ros/ paramore song starts to play.  then the reel
of memories begin to play in whoever's brain and they spend a moment
remembering me until they get to their destination and turn of the music
in their car and go about their life.  i suppose this is life.  but i don't like
it.  i still think of you all all the time.

i wish my good friends could all just move here, then no one else and
we could all be together again.  but again, so is life.  i don't like growing
up.  its not all its cracked out to be.

Sunday, April 1, 2012

a pain i've never known before. not until recently.  one that i can't escape from.
one that keeps me up late at night, and one that horrifies me in my dreams.
the only thing i can think to describe this pain is a stupid cliche, but i'll say it just the same;
it feels like a knife stabbing my heart and my soul. deep inside of me, the core of me. stabbing in and out.
in and out.  the feeling of being alone. often times i feel as though i am inside a box and
i'm screaming and screaming and crying and no one can hear me. i'm pounding my fists
and my body and tears are rolling out of my eyes and down my cheeks but its as if i am
not even there. i'm my own friend. i'm my own comfort. not even god will acknowledge me.
for who would acknowledge someone so ugly and horrifying. someone who would commit
such a crime.  i deserve to be alone. i deserve to be in pain. i deserve nothing.
i need a heart. i need a hug. and i need understanding eyes, and empathising words.
but i'm alone.
so alone.
so very alone.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

transitioning... you know its the end of the year

I know i really suck at updating this thing, and i know i've said this several times before but i am REALLY going to try and keep up with this thing... and i know its sad, but i feel its easier to write about things when i'm depressed, deep in thought, or moved by something.  i will try to write about whats going on in my life regardless because i like to, and because i read that its a good way for friends who live far away to stay tuned in to your life, especially when you can't talk every day.
anyways, with that said..  what a freakin year 2011 has been.
brought in the new year with two of my favorite people; noah and mallori.
a night involving (if i remember correctly), kanye's new album and sleigh bells - rill rill, shots of whiskey and lots of pbr. got my first full time job at what my coworkers and i lovingly call it "shmirabella".
i moved out into my very first apartment!
experienced portland in all its glory this summer.
noah went on his bike trip...
i got to see the mountain goats! - a band for those of you who are wondering.
my long awaited birthday finally arrived, the big 2-1.
we adopted a dog who fancies himself a cat and named him albert!
mine and noah's one year.
lots of tears and laughs and hurting and happiness.
i am finally starting to apply for schools and head into a better direction.
i would say this has been a successful year.
well.. i feel like i had something deep and profound to say as i began to write this blog, but i guess i don't. my brain has taken me elsewhere. 
until next time.. 

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

dream, dreamin, dreams

if  i close my eyes i'm laying down in my twin sized bed laying on top of my anthroplogie comforter.
if i close my eyes i can see my sisters in their bunk bed, chelsea putting her ear plugs in.
i can smell our peach scented yankeedoodle candle burning, flickering, dancing and filling our room with that wonderful, comforting smell.
the swan princess is playing and i am thinking about opening the gelato shop in the morning.
if i close my eyes i can see my first car. that purple car with radiohead stickers all over.
i can see springdale and i pass Marina high school as i head down springdale and make a left on to warner.
i can start to smell the beach. that salty, fishy, wet air that fills your nostrils and hypnotizes you.
if i close my eyes i look out the window and see all of you standing in front of catwalk.
riding your skateboards, laughing at your baby brother and making faces at me while i try to work.
if i close my eyes i can see the green bench sitting in front of The Closet and i can hear our conversation.
i can smell Wahoos and i can feel the warm sidewalk as i walk bare-footed to the pier.
i am sitting under the pier.
my butt is damp from the moist sand that hides under the overhang.
the ocean greets me as it gently touches my toes.
i run into its open arms and dive into the waves.
i can feel myself go up and down and up and down with the tide.
i never want to leave this place.
if i close my eyes i can feel the tops of my cheeks, sore, sunburned.
i get out and lay on my towel and start to drift away to the sound of the breaking waves.
the smell of salt and the sound of seagulls flying above me.
i fall asleep and wake up to my little dog, albert and my chilly apartment.
my heart hurts.
i miss the ocean.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011


just because i'm obsessed and i am going to be her for halloween this year aaand i have nothing to write about... still. but i wanted to post something, soo here it goes.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

surveys are fun!

thanks lexi!

A. Age: 20
B. Bed size: A Queen :)
C. Chore that you hate: dishes
D. Dogs: Albert
E. Essential start to your day: black tea with half n half and honey pls
F. Favorite color: depends
G. Gold or Silver: SILVER!
H. Height: 5'8
I. Instruments you play:  used to play drums, taught myself some guitar, but i mostly just sing :)
J. Job title: Wife & Mother
K. Kids: none
L. Live: Portland, Oregon
M. Mother’s name: Lisa
N. Nicknames: han, hanners, banana, hannah bear
O. Overnight hospital stays: one? or two? i can't remember.
P. Pet peeves: being ignored, or cracking fingers/necks/backs
Q. Quote from a movie: hummmm... for lack of anything better i like the quote from factory girl when she is talking to bob dylan; "the party doesnt start until i arrive!"
R. Right or left handed: both
S. Siblings: 4 shea trent chels and shelp
U. Underwear: hmm optional haha
V. Vegetable you hate: Mushrooms yuck!
W. What makes you run late: hitting the snooze
X. X-Rays you’ve had: nose, back, leg, arm, head
Y. Yummy food that you make: everyhthing, duh
Z. Zoo animal: elephants!

seasons greetings

so, i know i haven't written in a while -- its been quite a busy month!  lots of things going on.
of course, all day at work today i was feeling inspired to write and now that i am home at a computer
my mind is at a blank. gotta love that. but anywho, i thought i would still write and try and fill all of you (many maaany readers, i'm sure ;) )in on whats been going on and what i've been processing in my head.

summer is almost completely, officially over.  and i have mixed feelings about this.  however, it has been quite stifling lately, and i don't really find summer clothes to be very cute.  i am excited about wearing colorful scarves, with plain black clothing, or throwing a simple bold color beanie (beret) of some sort to liven up my outfit, and if i'm really feeling wild, maybe put on some lipstick and make my cateyes extra bold and thick, like amy winehouse. 
   I think whats most strange to me about entering the fall season is i really feel like i was just here a couple months ago... like thanksgiving was only a distant memory, that i just turned 20 and i just met noah.  but no, that was a year ago.. and winter is right around the corner - again.  The holidays make me so nostalgic.  its like a constant fucking reminder that i'm on my own, and i don't have my family with me.  that i am (sadly) an adult and i live in my own apartment and this year, like last year, i have to fend for myself for the holiday season.  most likely attend another family's gathering and all the while, in my head i'm thinking of my family.  when i see the parents scuffling around preparing food, excited for their grown children to return home for the holiday, i cant help but think of my parents.  Parents of 5 children, with only two to enjoy the smiles and laughs and the smell of food in the air.  only two of their kids to be annoyed at my mother's notorious late dinners and only two children to sit around the table and share why they are thankful for each other.  it breaks my heart.  i often daydream about what it would be like if my parents lived here in portland.  maybe one day we will see.
   september also reminds me of past friends.  how excited we would be for all the "haunt" mazes and to scheme a way to get each of our crushes to go with us to these scary events!  for all of the holiday drinks at starbucks, and ditching class and smoking cigarettes while we wore our peacoats and scarves.  oh, how things change even if you try your hardest to prevent it. 
   this fall i will be working full time.  i will try my hardest to go to the haunted corn maze this year and this fall i am finally turning the wonderful 2-1.  i will laugh and spend time with my friends in portland.  last but not least, i can not wait to see the changing color of the leaves.  to hear the crackle of the leaves break as i lift up my foot to take another step forward.  to continue on in the journey of my life. to make the most of it, to live and be happy.  i am excited for fall :)