Saturday, August 18, 2012


sometimes i wonder if i made the right decision.
did i leave california because i wanted to leave or because
something or someone drove me to leave..

maybe i wanted a fresh start, which is fine. i suppose everyone
has either wanted that, or left something for that reason at one point
in their lives.  but sometimes i wonder why my heart aches for california.

is it the memories? maybe my friends?  is it the ocean, like i say
it is.  the warm sand on the beach and the sun reflecting off the
waves in the water.  the comforting crash of waves that seems to
happen every minute or so.  i'm not sure.

maybe the feeling of connection. connection to people of
california and a connection to "nature" in california.  i
guess i don't feel as connected to oregon the way i was
sort of bonded to california.  but, i was born and raised there.

i am starting to feel that bond to oregon.  the way my heart stops
when i'm riding over the morrison bridge into downtown and
i look over the willamette river.  watching the sun reflect off the
ripples in the river.  the beautiful lush green surrounding me.  my
heart sort of stops.  its beautiful.  but i can't help but long for

i think i just miss having a group of friends that i have known my
whole life. no secrets. no getting to know each other.  just hanging
out and spending time laughing, or crying, or sitting in silence.  but
being so connected that there didn't always have to be words.  we just
knew.  i think my heart longs for that.

sometimes i feel as though i have died to everyone in california.
like i am now just a memory.  forgotten until my name is brought up,
or a radiohead/sigur ros/ paramore song starts to play.  then the reel
of memories begin to play in whoever's brain and they spend a moment
remembering me until they get to their destination and turn of the music
in their car and go about their life.  i suppose this is life.  but i don't like
it.  i still think of you all all the time.

i wish my good friends could all just move here, then no one else and
we could all be together again.  but again, so is life.  i don't like growing
up.  its not all its cracked out to be.