memories.

sometimes i wonder if i made the right decision.
did i leave california because i wanted to leave or because
something or someone drove me to leave..

maybe i wanted a fresh start, which is fine. i suppose everyone
has either wanted that, or left something for that reason at one point
in their lives.  but sometimes i wonder why my heart aches for california.

is it the memories? maybe my friends?  is it the ocean, like i say
it is.  the warm sand on the beach and the sun reflecting off the
waves in the water.  the comforting crash of waves that seems to
happen every minute or so.  i'm not sure.

maybe the feeling of connection. connection to people of
california and a connection to "nature" in california.  i
guess i don't feel as connected to oregon the way i was
sort of bonded to california.  but, i was born and raised there.

i am starting to feel that bond to oregon.  the way my heart stops
when i'm riding over the morrison bridge into downtown and
i look over the willamette river.  watching the sun reflect off the
ripples in the river.  the beautiful lush green surrounding me.  my
heart sort of stops.  its beautiful.  but i can't help but long for
california.

i think i just miss having a group of friends that i have known my
whole life. no secrets. no getting to know each other.  just hanging
out and spending time laughing, or crying, or sitting in silence.  but
being so connected that there didn't always have to be words.  we just
knew.  i think my heart longs for that.

sometimes i feel as though i have died to everyone in california.
like i am now just a memory.  forgotten until my name is brought up,
or a radiohead/sigur ros/ paramore song starts to play.  then the reel
of memories begin to play in whoever's brain and they spend a moment
remembering me until they get to their destination and turn of the music
in their car and go about their life.  i suppose this is life.  but i don't like
it.  i still think of you all all the time.

i wish my good friends could all just move here, then no one else and
we could all be together again.  but again, so is life.  i don't like growing
up.  its not all its cracked out to be.

a pain i've never known before. not until recently.  one that i can't escape from.
one that keeps me up late at night, and one that horrifies me in my dreams.
the only thing i can think to describe this pain is a stupid cliche, but i'll say it just the same;
it feels like a knife stabbing my heart and my soul. deep inside of me, the core of me. stabbing in and out.
in and out.  the feeling of being alone. often times i feel as though i am inside a box and
i'm screaming and screaming and crying and no one can hear me. i'm pounding my fists
and my body and tears are rolling out of my eyes and down my cheeks but its as if i am
not even there. i'm my own friend. i'm my own comfort. not even god will acknowledge me.
for who would acknowledge someone so ugly and horrifying. someone who would commit
such a crime.  i deserve to be alone. i deserve to be in pain. i deserve nothing.
i need a heart. i need a hug. and i need understanding eyes, and empathising words.
but i'm alone.
so alone.
so very alone.