a pain i've never known before. not until recently.  one that i can't escape from.
one that keeps me up late at night, and one that horrifies me in my dreams.
the only thing i can think to describe this pain is a stupid cliche, but i'll say it just the same;
it feels like a knife stabbing my heart and my soul. deep inside of me, the core of me. stabbing in and out.
in and out.  the feeling of being alone. often times i feel as though i am inside a box and
i'm screaming and screaming and crying and no one can hear me. i'm pounding my fists
and my body and tears are rolling out of my eyes and down my cheeks but its as if i am
not even there. i'm my own friend. i'm my own comfort. not even god will acknowledge me.
for who would acknowledge someone so ugly and horrifying. someone who would commit
such a crime.  i deserve to be alone. i deserve to be in pain. i deserve nothing.
i need a heart. i need a hug. and i need understanding eyes, and empathising words.
but i'm alone.
so alone.
so very alone.

transitioning... you know its the end of the year

I know i really suck at updating this thing, and i know i've said this several times before but i am REALLY going to try and keep up with this thing... and i know its sad, but i feel its easier to write about things when i'm depressed, deep in thought, or moved by something.  i will try to write about whats going on in my life regardless because i like to, and because i read that its a good way for friends who live far away to stay tuned in to your life, especially when you can't talk every day.

anyways, with that said..  what a freakin year 2011 has been.

brought in the new year with two of my favorite people; noah and mallori.

a night involving (if i remember correctly), kanye's new album and sleigh bells - rill rill, shots of whiskey and lots of pbr. got my first full time job at what my coworkers and i lovingly call it "shmirabella".

i moved out into my very first apartment!

experienced portland in all its glory this summer.

noah went on his bike trip...

i got to see the mountain goats! - a band for those of you who are wondering.

my long awaited birthday finally arrived, the big 2-1.

we adopted a dog who fancies himself a cat and named him albert!

mine and noah's one year.

lots of tears and laughs and hurting and happiness.

i am finally starting to apply for schools and head into a better direction.

i would say this has been a successful year.

well.. i feel like i had something deep and profound to say as i began to write this blog, but i guess i don't. my brain has taken me elsewhere. 

until next time.. 

dream, dreamin, dreams

if  i close my eyes i'm laying down in my twin sized bed laying on top of my anthroplogie comforter.
if i close my eyes i can see my sisters in their bunk bed, chelsea putting her ear plugs in.
i can smell our peach scented yankeedoodle candle burning, flickering, dancing and filling our room with that wonderful, comforting smell.
the swan princess is playing and i am thinking about opening the gelato shop in the morning.
if i close my eyes i can see my first car. that purple car with radiohead stickers all over.
i can see springdale and i pass Marina high school as i head down springdale and make a left on to warner.
i can start to smell the beach. that salty, fishy, wet air that fills your nostrils and hypnotizes you.
if i close my eyes i look out the window and see all of you standing in front of catwalk.
riding your skateboards, laughing at your baby brother and making faces at me while i try to work.
if i close my eyes i can see the green bench sitting in front of The Closet and i can hear our conversation.
i can smell Wahoos and i can feel the warm sidewalk as i walk bare-footed to the pier.
i am sitting under the pier.
my butt is damp from the moist sand that hides under the overhang.
the ocean greets me as it gently touches my toes.
i run into its open arms and dive into the waves.
i can feel myself go up and down and up and down with the tide.
i never want to leave this place.
if i close my eyes i can feel the tops of my cheeks, sore, sunburned.
i get out and lay on my towel and start to drift away to the sound of the breaking waves.
the smell of salt and the sound of seagulls flying above me.
i fall asleep and wake up to my little dog, albert and my chilly apartment.
my heart hurts.
i miss the ocean.

heavy

just because i'm obsessed and i am going to be her for halloween this year aaand i have nothing to write about... still. but i wanted to post something, soo here it goes.

surveys are fun!

thanks lexi!



A. Age: 20
B. Bed size: A Queen :)
C. Chore that you hate: dishes
D. Dogs: Albert
E. Essential start to your day: black tea with half n half and honey pls
F. Favorite color: depends
G. Gold or Silver: SILVER!
H. Height: 5'8
I. Instruments you play:  used to play drums, taught myself some guitar, but i mostly just sing :)
J. Job title: Wife & Mother
K. Kids: none
L. Live: Portland, Oregon
M. Mother’s name: Lisa
N. Nicknames: han, hanners, banana, hannah bear
O. Overnight hospital stays: one? or two? i can't remember.
P. Pet peeves: being ignored, or cracking fingers/necks/backs
Q. Quote from a movie: hummmm... for lack of anything better i like the quote from factory girl when she is talking to bob dylan; "the party doesnt start until i arrive!"
R. Right or left handed: both
S. Siblings: 4 shea trent chels and shelp
U. Underwear: hmm optional haha
V. Vegetable you hate: Mushrooms yuck!
W. What makes you run late: hitting the snooze
X. X-Rays you’ve had: nose, back, leg, arm, head
Y. Yummy food that you make: everyhthing, duh
Z. Zoo animal: elephants!

seasons greetings

so, i know i haven't written in a while -- its been quite a busy month!  lots of things going on.
of course, all day at work today i was feeling inspired to write and now that i am home at a computer
my mind is at a blank. gotta love that. but anywho, i thought i would still write and try and fill all of you (many maaany readers, i'm sure ;) )in on whats been going on and what i've been processing in my head.

summer is almost completely, officially over.  and i have mixed feelings about this.  however, it has been quite stifling lately, and i don't really find summer clothes to be very cute.  i am excited about wearing colorful scarves, with plain black clothing, or throwing a simple bold color beanie (beret) of some sort to liven up my outfit, and if i'm really feeling wild, maybe put on some lipstick and make my cateyes extra bold and thick, like amy winehouse. 
   I think whats most strange to me about entering the fall season is i really feel like i was just here a couple months ago... like thanksgiving was only a distant memory, that i just turned 20 and i just met noah.  but no, that was a year ago.. and winter is right around the corner - again.  The holidays make me so nostalgic.  its like a constant fucking reminder that i'm on my own, and i don't have my family with me.  that i am (sadly) an adult and i live in my own apartment and this year, like last year, i have to fend for myself for the holiday season.  most likely attend another family's gathering and all the while, in my head i'm thinking of my family.  when i see the parents scuffling around preparing food, excited for their grown children to return home for the holiday, i cant help but think of my parents.  Parents of 5 children, with only two to enjoy the smiles and laughs and the smell of food in the air.  only two of their kids to be annoyed at my mother's notorious late dinners and only two children to sit around the table and share why they are thankful for each other.  it breaks my heart.  i often daydream about what it would be like if my parents lived here in portland.  maybe one day we will see.
   september also reminds me of past friends.  how excited we would be for all the "haunt" mazes and to scheme a way to get each of our crushes to go with us to these scary events!  for all of the holiday drinks at starbucks, and ditching class and smoking cigarettes while we wore our peacoats and scarves.  oh, how things change even if you try your hardest to prevent it. 
   this fall i will be working full time.  i will try my hardest to go to the haunted corn maze this year and this fall i am finally turning the wonderful 2-1.  i will laugh and spend time with my friends in portland.  last but not least, i can not wait to see the changing color of the leaves.  to hear the crackle of the leaves break as i lift up my foot to take another step forward.  to continue on in the journey of my life. to make the most of it, to live and be happy.  i am excited for fall :)

i wanna stay like this forever

growing up is hard.  anyone who tells you otherwise is lying.
if i had the choice, i would be a little kid forever. maybe.
its weird to even think that i was a little kid at one point. it almost
seems as if i woke up and was 20 years old. sometimes it seems the only
way for me to know that i was at one point in my life a little four year old with crooked "orphan bangs"
and a round rosy face is looking at pictures. its such a distant memory. almost like a dream.
the kind when you can only remember bits and pieces and nothing makes sense when you
try to recall it to a friend.  but you know it makes sense.
        while i was working today i decided to listen to Taylor Swift. as my iphone was shuffling
her songs a song came on that i had never heard of.  pretty soon into the song i found that i was
getting all choked up and teary eyed. which was odd to me, because i wasn't really listening to the
song, but this hazy dream-like memory of myself as a four year old with my dad was playing in my mind.
   
i remember it was around christmas time and i was looking at an american girls catalog picking out what doll i wanted santa to bring me that year.  as i jumped up on my dad's lap to show him my dream and hope for that coming magical morning he looked at me and said, "hannah, will you promise me something?" and me, being the daddy's girl that i am, shook my head earnestly waiting to promise him what it was that he was about to ask, and he said, "don't ever grow up! i want you to stay little forever!"
and i said ok, willingly.  he then said, "and you never ever have to move out of the house, ok? you can live with me and mommy forever." with my mom shaking her head and in the background saying, "shawn! don't tell her that!" he then looked at me and said, "one last thing... promise me you will never get married!" and of course i responded, "i want to marry you dad!" with a smile on my dad's face he just hugged me and we sat there until i woke up to the dark in my room tucked in bed.
      i miss being that little. so naive, so innocent. everything was such an adventure, so exciting so hilarious.
i wonder if i had any idea that one day i wouldn't be able to sit on my dads "soldiers" anymore.  wonder if i knew that when i got into junior high that i would never want to be home, never want to see my parents.  wonder if i knew that one day i would only see them maybe 5 or 6 times a year. oh to be a child again, what i would do.. to not wish it all away so quickly.